Black Day
by Gremblin
Summary: It's a special day for Rodney McKay. But not the good kind of special. After all these years, he still blames himself. One Shot.


**Title:** Black Day

**Summary: **It's a special day for Rodney McKay. But not the good kind of special. After all these years, he still blames himself. Even if he wasn't there to be responsible for the accident.

**Author's Note: **Humor me, okay? I've only seen the episodes from the first season, and then a handful from the second and third seasons on YouTube. So if some characters seem out of Character, just bare with me. Blame the Space channel.

Now, I figured that even the great Rodney McKay needed some along time. Some quiet time to himself. I've also wondered to myself why he was always such a stickler on things being done the right way.(which, in Rodney's mind is HIS way) so here's my story that plays with those thoughts.

0o0o0o0o0

Rodney McKay sat high on a balcony in Atlantis. He had found this place long ago and went there to think when he wanted some peace and quiet. He didn't go often, he didn't want anybody else to find out about this place. He wanted it to be his, no one else's. He had checked, and you weren't able to see life signs there. So when he was there he was completely invisible to everyone else on Atlantis. No one could contact him. When he was there he couldn't care less what happened to the rest of Atlantis, as long as it was quiet he was happy.

A collection of papers sat on his lap, his legs dangled off the side dangerously. A pencil sat in his hand and an eraser sat on the floor beside him. He racked his brain for the proper way to start the letter. No one was going to read it, of course. It would be carefully hidden away so that no one could ever find it and read it. The person it was addressed to wouldn't ever be able to read it, either.

He placed the tip of the pencil to the paper and started writing.

_DJ,_

_It's that time of year again. Yeah, I know it's stupid to keep writing these if you'll never be able to read them again. God I wish you were here, you'd really love it. That's the main reason I came here at all. Simply because you would have loved the chance. But you can't be here, so I am. I know if you had still been around Elizabeth would have chosen you over me. But hey, nothing new there, right?_

Rodney laughed at the memory. A tear came to his eye, it would never happen again. He'd never again be able to do those kinds of things with him.

_John's probably looking for me. I don't really care. Not now anyways. I will in a few hours when I finally return to the busy life I've made for myself. Things will have been done wrong, and I'll have to fix them before something blows up. I swear I work with a bunch of incompetent fools. Except Zelenka. He's tolerable, usually. He knows what he's talking about, at least. Not as well as you did though._

_I've thought about returning to Earth sometimes. Coming to see you, maybe get you out of there and take care of you myself. But then something goes wrong with something here, and I know that my place is here. As much as I don't like it you'd throttle me if I left just for you._

_I saw Jeannie awhile ago. She's doing good. Has she been to see you lately? I don't think so. She didn't even mention you. I didn't ask, I think it's still a sensitive subject with her. Then again, we were busy with other things. We almost made stable zero-point energy. Almost, but not quite. I haven't shown anybody you're ideas and theorems yet. Maybe some day, but right now they're one of the few reminders I have of you that's just mine. I know it's greedy of me, but it's true. Everything else you've left behind was shared with the world, though most times you didn't get even a footnote of mention._

_Jeannie has a daughter and husband, did you know? The girl's cute, if not a bit confusing. But we both know how good I am with kids and how much I like them. I know you always wanted kids. Thank god you didn't have time to before it happened. I know it's a bad thought, but I probably would have been asked to take care of them. That would have kept me from coming to Atlantis._

_I just wish that you were still able to do everything. I wish mom and dad had been able to take care of you, instead of just sending you away. It was a stupid mistake, I should have been the one in the chair. It should have been me, not you. You were always smarter, faster, more popular at school despite being a geek._

_It was a stupid mistake. I know where we went wrong, too. We did our math wrong, I checked it over recently. Yeah, I brought it with me, okay? I've been trying to figure it out since it happened. I only figured it out a few days ago. One of our integers was wrong. Stupid reason, really. I don't know how we missed it, we checked everything nearly ten times._

_I miss you so-_

Rodney scrambled to the side and hid when he heard voices. One was tinny, coming over a radio. The other was John. What was he doing here?

"Rodney? You here?" John called out.

"He can't be anywhere's else, John. We can't find his life signs and as soon as you stepped into the room you disappeared." That sounded like Elizabeth. He'd have to tell her that when he wasn't able to be found in Atlantis, he didn't want to be. He stepped out of his hiding spot, the half-finished letter clutched in his left hand. He could feel tears continuing to fall down his face, but he didn't care. This was his personal time, and if John wanted to intrude fine. But he'd have to suffer the concequences.

"What d'you want?" Rodney demanded coldly. His voice was even, unwavering. John seemed surprised. Rodney knew why, it was because he wasn't wearing his shirt. He usually made sure he always had one on, that no one ever saw him without one. Except Carson, maybe, but Carson understood. Rodney had been forced to explain it, and Carson had promised not to tell anybody. Not even Elizabeth.

"What d'you want?" Rodney demanded again. He knew what John had been expecting. He had been expecting Rodney to be out of shape. But it was exactly the opposite, he was in perfect shape. He also knew that John would be shocked at all the odd scars scattered over his back, and immediately jump to the wrong conclusions.

"What're you doing up here?" John asked finally.

"Nothing of your concern, so leave." Rodney replied coldly.

"What're those papers in your hands?" John asked. Rodney's fist tightened around them.

"They're papers. Go away." Rodney knew the question was coming. It always came.

"Why were you crying?"

The two of them were silent for a long time. Rodney didn't want to tell, but John wanted to know.

"I won't tell anybody, they won't find out that the great Rodney McKay is only human." John joked. This got Rodney's temper up. How could he be kidding around on a day like this!

"You want to know! You really want to know what I was doing! I was writing a letter to my brother!" Rodney exclaimed. He knew it didn't fully explain. He didn't care.

"Since when have you had a brother?" John never got to finish his sentence.

"I've always had one!" Rodney shouted. He slumped back against the wall, his memories and emotions getting the better of him. "I just don't talk about him." He said quietly, fresh tears finding their way down his face. John came and sat down beside him, placing a hand carefully on Rodney's shoulder.

"What happened?" John asked quietly.

"A lab accident. When I was ten, he was thirteen. We were both the smartest people in the entire school, smarter even than most of the teachers. He could have skipped all that grade school stuff, gone straight onto college. He already had all his homework done from then through high school. He thought he had found a way to make people telepathic. We did all the experiments, checked all our work, we thought we had everything right. It finally came down to the time that we had nothing else to do but try it on a human. He decided to try it on himself, we were both so excited I didn't even think about stopping him." Rodney pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees.

"What happened?"

"He lost his mind. He regressed to the state of a two-year-old. The doctors don't know why but his mind isn't able to get past that state, he isn't able to learn anything." Rodney said quietly. "He can't even speak normally. He was a genius, ten time smarter than I was. Now he can't even tie his shoes." John didn't know what to do. He couldn't exactly leave Rodney in this state, but they were due to go on a mission soon. That had been John's purpose of coming up there looking for him.

"Elizabeth?" John said into his comm.

"Yes? Did you find Rodney?" She sounded hopeful. John looked to Rodney.

"Yes and No. D'you think we'd be able to postpone the mission until tomorrow, or send another team?" John asked her.

"Why?" She sounded worried.

"Personal reasons. Nothing I can get into."

"Yes, of course. I'll postpone it until tomorrow." Elizabeth sounded like she wanted to ask but knew better. John looked at Rodney, saying nothing as he stood up. He walked wordlessly to the door before turning.

"I won't tell anyone. Take your time, Rodney. You've got all day."

And with that, he left.


End file.
